Sunday, August 17, 2014

24.

Year after year I am astounded by the people I meet. Different people, different cultures and different personalities. We are all different people and we learn and grow from each others experiences and influence.

We are influenced by the people we surround ourselves with. We grow and experience life through our failures, successes and adventures.

Every corner is an opportunity in the waiting. Even if it seems like it is a failure.
I have met a great deal of people in the last several years from different communities of my passions. From electronics, computers, photography, paintball, and other activities and scholar.

Every day is a new day for something great to happen. Even if its small. I know that over the years I have helped and inspired friends in in my life. Whether it is in a small way or a big way; I like to think I've done a little to help. It truly gives me a warm smile and a jolt of happiness knowing that I positively influence people around me. A smile makes us stronger. Through the grime and darkness we remember a smile. Even in the darkest of times.

Enjoy life and take the adventures and the road unknown. Through success or failures we find a way. One way or the other to the other end of the bridge.Across the currents of a unsavory river.

We are who we are from past to present. Through our experiences, our network of friends and our passions. Without the passion or drive we lose sight of what we are wanting to do. We lose sight of the things that drive us to do what we do.

Never let others put you down. Sometimes you may find yourself in the dark cold rain. However, if you keep looking down; you may walk past someone with the light that wants to help you out. Keep your head up and don't lose hope.

Thank you to all the amazing people in the course of life. The good, the bad, the old, the present and the new. Without a journey everything is for naught. You have all been fantastic people one way or the other. Everyone is different.

As the people of Lego Land would say. "Everything is awesome!~~~"

It is important to take time for yourself and away from everything. Do not forget who you are. Do not let that feeling fade away. There will always be people who try to down you. Indirectly or because of incompatibility. Be true to yourself. Show yourself to others. You cannot change without being seen. Be happy and proud of yourself. Every little step is one step forward. Let negativity push you to strive better for more positive aspects in your life.

Thank you to each and every one of you.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The aura that glows. Forgotten feelings. Never ending hope.

Its amazing isn't it. We look back on all our faults and mistakes and sometimes wish we could have done better. That is the nature of the beast. Of life.

However, sometimes I wish I was not so sentimental and could just turn off my feelings. Year after year I try to occupy myself. To fill a spot that has been empty. Despite my close friends and all the likes. Affection drives us to a different corner of our mind.

Much has not changed but many things have grown and evolved. I grow weary of my emotions. Tired and relentless of hope, ideals and forgiveness. Through the ticking of time there are things we cannot change. Feelings that do not disappear no matter how much we move on. Stuck until we fill that missing gap.

Sometimes I wish I can turn these feelings off. Like you have, like you did. Like many others.
I am and forever will be a sentimental and emotionally willed person. Through and through even when it nibbles away at me. Sometimes I wish I didn't worry or overthink things.

Running around in circles. Chasing the same problems over and over again. Never giving up hope. Always willing to try. To find people that make us smile and be cheerful out of everyday busy lives. Those moments that remind us or I of the things we do and why we do them.

I am always worried of losing someone. I grow and find myself being attached to someone and always in the back of my mind I am worried of them being swooped away by someone else. More so now than ever with a busy schedule. I worry of being overly affectionate. I worry that I'm not doing enough. I worry of losing that sparkle that keeps two people together and they walk away. It happened once and many times since then. I simply do not have the same kind of energy as I once did. Forever lost in a well of broken trust and broken hope.

Ever since our falling out all those years ago I grew bitter and distrusting. Without hope in others or myself of emotional investment. I distanced myself from people and sometimes close friends as well. It took a long time to reclaim apart of that energy. Some forever lost with you. A close friend and someone whom I adored strongly with affection.

People ask me why I don't just forget about you and I tell them that is very hard to do so. It is our loss of friendship that further propelled me to make sure my friends are happy. That those I care about are happy. To those that I grow a liking to and grow affectionate of are happy. We all need that someone who brings a glow and a smile to our every tasks. As a significant other, a relationship or a friendship. I have been burned, scorned and left for a couple times. Even though they are small and all in passing; I try hard to make things right. Even if I am only a stepping stone.

I am full of energy. If I put it all in a bucket; all I want to do is pour it over someone and tell them how much I like them. Maybe for once I'll stop over thinking and worrying. Maybe one day I'll have that faith come back.

I wish I could so easily forget the past like you do. Maybe then I wouldn't try to hold onto fragments of old memories and happiness. Who am I kidding though right? You found someone else to keep you company. Moving from old to new. I plundered and made mistakes and said stupid things. Indirectly pushing you away. I constantly blamed myself for it. There was always apart of me that wanted to pour my affection for you but I couldn't. Not with the way things were. Before I knew it; that chance disappeared and things were never the same since then.My biggest and worst ever fear that could happen between I and someone I truly and deeply cared for happened. That fear of which is a person turning around and walking the other direction without saying a word. Gone in a puff of smoke. Nothing but tattered cloth remaining.

One day, many years later I decided to stop trying. To admit to myself that there was no possibility of our friendship ever coming back together. That and my useless attempts probably just piss you off to no ends. Like everything I did and said after a certain point. All it was ever met with was anger and annoyance.
I stopped trying to care all together. I no longer said happy birthday to you. I stopped sending you merry christmas and happy new year text messages.

I wish I could just switch the feelings off and forget the reasons why I cherished our time and friendship together so much. All the pain and suffering. All the happy and silly times. Always knowing the affection was not mutual. Only our group of friends that knew about us. Knew how much it affected me. No one asked why we stopped hanging out. No one asked how you and I were doing.

I bet all you remember is of being mad at me. About all the times I annoyed you. I sometimes wonder if you remember any of the happy and funny moments. The times I tried to cheer you up when you were down or upset. All those silly and embarrassing moments. I felt happy and carefree around you.


I worry of pushing people away because I worry of being seen as needy or attention hogging.
I have been yelled by you so many times for little things that even to this day I still have a hard time shaking off those feelings. Deep down I worry about it happening. I worry about making someone I care about upset . I worry about them just turning around and disappearing. I sometimes shut myself away so I don't feel jealousy. To let myself collect my thoughts.

I finished watching the second season of Spice and Wolf II...after a long time of putting that show away. It reminded me of you too much that I couldn't keep watching it. I sometimes wonder what it'd be like if I bumped into you on the streets, at a store or at an event. I keep thinking you'd try to find was to push my buttons.

It is that kind of evening. As has this whole week. Stuck thinking about the past when my feelings in the current collide with insecurities. I worry about driving others away because I am frequently busy and not always being there.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Thoughts and reflections

Most of my stuff that I don't post here goes to http://quantum-creativity.blogspot.ca/

Since Xanga 2.0 is using WordPress which requires a membership. I haven't migrated over. Just yet.


Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Where did time go?

My first post of the year is in Jan and it is May already.
I guess I am pretty behind in posts eh?

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Landed in Toronto

Touched down in Toronto Thursday at four Am PST.
Had a good day. Had breakfast with friend and his friend. Took a afternoon nap as we both have been pretty sleep deprived. All is well. We both hit bed early and feeling well rested now.

Shroker

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Headphone amp Power Supply!

dedicated power supply for my Musical Fidelity X-Can V2 has arrived!.

Hand built by Rock Grotto from Scotland.

Pictures and some details to follow in another posting but damn!.

Early impressions: I am very impressed! As many people have suggested; this thing really does keep on the power and does not fade. The Little Pinkie SE is very well built externally and internally.
The sound keeps up and the details are not lost when the sound stage gets busy.

I will write more and get some photos later today.

Sunday, January 13, 2013

End of 2012. Start of 2013.

I have not kept up with the likes of my blog as of late. Which is a little bit disappointing but I have been quite busy. 2013 will be a fun year and I look forward to it. A few things have happened in the last stretch of December and that has made me very excited.

2012 started out a bit slow and I set a few goals for myself but they were not fully achieved. However, I have had a progressive year. Although it did not go as smoothly as I wanted; I put down some anchor points that will help me through 2013. These are the anchor points that we need to use and remember how they effect us on our journey through life. Always remember how we progress from failures and success.

I didn't really accomplish some goals that I had set out. Did not really lose weight nor did I fully fix my sleeping but I look to adjust that this month. I have a lot to do and catch up on. What do I look forward to this new year? Getting healthy. I have to lose weight and get back in shape. It's not something to just think about as a goal or a joke. I should put the energy forward and be serious about it.

In the past year I have grown more confident, a bit more active and have taking initiative to get things done and meet new people. I have to carry that energy forward and make use of it. No more diddle daddle. The last several months has been very exciting. I have become a huge fan of Lindsey Stirling. She is a violinist who is very energetic and has a great personality! I got the pleasure to meet her in person when she played a concert here in Vancouver, BC. Least to say I was super excited. I've loved a lot of her pieces and her playing in person is full of energy and passion.

Lindsey Stirling performing at the Rio Theatre in Vancouver, BC, Canada

On top of that I got a CD and my violin case signed by her. It was truly an inspiring moment. I am very glad to have attended this concert and taken photos of her.
The rest can be found here : Lindsey Stirling Concert photo album.
To see Lindsey perform live and watching her passion and personality shine through her music, dancing and playing is very inspiring. It reminds us that it doesn't matter who tells us what we can and what we cannot do. We have to find it in ourselves to find the strength to go forward and achieve what we want.
Go down trying then to not have tried at all.

It is very frequent that we get put down by our own emotions. Our lingering expectations and hopes for something in hoping that our effort and time is recognized by others. There are times you think to yourself whether or not that time spent is worth it or not. If people even care. Sometimes it takes time for the progress to pay off. We get knocked to our knees but we have to climb our way back out. One has to look back on the past, the failures and the successes to learn from that experience to grow and progress forward.
Inspiration, motivation and passion is the fuel that a person needs to work towards their goals. Sometimes they are big goals and sometimes they are small goals we set for our daily routine.


I started working for a company local here in my city which has been fun. Like all workplaces there will be frustrating moments and times where I will really have to haul ass but it feels good to be there. What they hold for me in the future I am not sure but I look forward to it in the long run and we never know where it may or will take us. How this coincides with my future plans; I do not know but things will progress and I will find out. I really do look forward to promoting events and games in the local municipality and get the name out.

I got a bit of fun shooting a cabaret show in December for a friend and that was a lot of fun!. Cabaret shows are very fun to attend and watch. There is so many forms of dance and art.

Austin Jeng Photography Facebook Fan Page


All in all; 2012 could have been much better but I pulled out of a lot of slumps and I feel so much better emotionally and mentally. I do feel like I am striving forward and fixing a lot of problems that have been pulling me down in the last few years. Emotional slumps are the worst and to break out of that cycle has been a major relief. Sometimes you don't realize just how much you have connected with someone until they suddenly turn around on you and as time passes you watch all the bridges slowly burn away.

Life continues forward. Always remember to try to find the bright side of things, stay optimistic and objective. There are always things that will try to put us down and we just have to find that shining light and pull our way through. Friends, family and the communities we participate in are there to help us. Don't feel so  proud or be afraid to look weak to reach an arm out for a buddy to help you out. In the end; if those are the people who are criticizing you then you need to be looking for a different group of people. Look hard and dig around and generally (and hopefully) you find someone that can lend you a hand.

Have a good year everyone.
Good luck with life, school, family, work and our personal health.

Signing out,
Shroker